Tuesday, August 30, 2011

this elusive thing called LOVE

she texted me and told me she missed how we used to talk for hours and how she's able to tell me everything that's bothering her.. a part of me is happy that she still treats me as a friend, yet sad that i'm not there for her.. but there's this selfish part of me that's telling me that she should've thought twice before she decided to hurt me.. but i know deep inside she didn't mean to hurt me.. it's just that she's in love with this other girl and she can't teach her heart to feel otherwise.. the same way that i can't force myself not to feel anything for her.. haaayyy


why does love seem so elusive? why does it always seem to slip out of my grasps? then again, why should it matter too fukcing much to me when i have everything i need?!


;(

Thursday, August 25, 2011

i don't want this broken heart anymore

i know i have no right to get hurt like this.. i know i have no right to be mad like this.. but i am human! i can't help but feel this way about how things ended.. i wish i could teach my heart to move on faster so i can be free from these negative emotions.. and so that you wouldn't have any effect on me anymore.. but this heart just doesn't get it! and i'm tired of trying to speed up the recovery process.. because the more i do, the more i end up feeling bitter about everything.. and i don't want to end things like that! i still want us to be friends.. but perhaps, not now.. maybe someday when my heart has healed completely..

for now, i know i haven't completely gotten over the fact that i lost the battle.. i guess i tried to keep it all inside for far too long because every time someone asks about you, tears always seem to well up in my eyes.. and the pain would sting so fukcing badly all over again!

then again, maybe what hurts me most is knowing that you never wanted me despite all my efforts.. :(



Thursday, August 18, 2011

so long, old friend

i'm okay.. :) surprisingly, it doesn't hurt as bad as I thought it would.. well, yeah it does a bit, but definitely manageable.. after all, the truth that gets smacked right on your face always hurts, doesn't it?

yet, i'll be fine (not that it matters to you).. at least one of us has had their wish come true.. and though it may not show that I am genuinely happy for you (and you may never see me jumping up and down like a maniac), and though my world may have crumbled at the sight of you and her, truth is, I couldn't be any happier.. I guess I learned one of life's greatest lessons – sometimes, you just have to let somethings go.. well, especialy when it wasn't mine to begin with..

so, yeah.. go on.. be happy then.. you deserve it more than anyone else (more than me even!)..  




Tuesday, August 9, 2011

what might have been...

i can't say that i could have loved you better.. that i could have given you more.. or that i could have fought for you.. yet, i wish you had given me a chance.. even just for once!

i guess there's no way i would ever know what could have happened now that there's no more hope for a happy ending with you.. </3




Monday, August 8, 2011

dear heart, won't you please stop all this nonsense?

fate really has a funny way of knocking reality into my head! all doubts and delusions have been completely eradicated after what happened.. no more false hopes.. no more wishing.. no more dreaming.. hopefully, this time my heart will finally get the message — that it's time to move on! i have to stop loving her and feeling all sentimental about everything because it's plain pointless.. no matter how many buckets of tears i cry, nothing will ever change her mind and feelings about me! and i have to accept that.. the truth has to be etched into my brain so that i can finally stop thinking about her.. it has to be carved into my heart so that i can finally stop feeling this way about her!


please heart.. please cooperate this time.. i can't afford you broken anymore! :(



Thursday, August 4, 2011

the old, torn heart still beats for dear, sweet you

if only time can be a friend even just for once, i'd ask him to take me back to october of last year.. if that could happen, i would gladly undo a lot of things.. for one, i would have chosen to be the person you have always wanted me to be - a friend.. someone you can confide in.. someone who could have helped you through all the times when you needed a friend the most.. someone who would just be there without any hope.. without any agenda.. if that would have been the case, then none of this would have happened now.. but then, i guess i only have my heart to blame.. i always fall too hard so easily! and now, it pains me everytime i see you.. i can't even look at you anymore without feeling all the bitterness and resentment in my heart! had i known things would turn out this way, then i would have chosen a different place.. a different time.. everything could have been so much better between us!

i keep blaming my delusional heart for thinking that you might fall for me too.. and i keep cursing myself for being so bitter about everything.. because it hurts! it really, really, really hurts  seeing you and not being able to talk to you or even just say hi or smile.. it's been quite a while and my fukcing heart just wouldn't stop beating for you! it just wouldn't stop aching for you! but i wish it would.. so that i don't have to crumble everytime i see you.. so my world doesn't have to stop everytime you're near.. so my heart wouldn't crush over and over and over again.. and most of all, so we can start all over again.. so we can be real good friends.. so there will be no more secret hopes.. no more hidden agenda.. just pure platonic relationship..


of cock rings and non-existent sex life

for some good laugh.. :D




this is one of the best birthday gifts i've ever had in my entire existence! hahahaha this is from my crazy friends who thought it would be fun to ridicule my non-existent sex life.. pahkyu! hahaha oh well, i hope i can use this one of these days though.. hahahaha

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

make me bleed so my heart can stop aching

i miss cutting myself.. i miss seeing blood on my wrists.. i miss how the physical pain takes some of the emotional hurt away.. :(


Tuesday, August 2, 2011

gender equality in the country

i was scanning through the pictures of the baguio pride march help last june 2011.. what struck me the most was not the photos of gays wearing colourful wigs and dresses, but the image of "Reverend Ceejay Agbayani".. for someone who claims to be a disciple of God (since he calls himself reverend), i expected more modesty.. okay, fine that he's gay and all.. i am all for his support for the LGBT community in the country.. and i really have nothing against gay priests.. but what's so disturbing is seeing him march down the streets of baguio with an orange wig on and a sleeveless shirt.. i mean that is all too much! no wonder a lot of religious and non-religious sectors have been condemning what happened that day! i mean i am all for fighting equal rights for all sexual orientations.. but a public display of obscenity from someone who considers himself a man of the church is an entirely different story!


http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=243072109053286&set=a.242767105750453.82481.100000514965574&type=1&theater

Monday, August 1, 2011

you dug a hole in my heart

it should not hurt this bad..

no, it should not have hurt at all!

you were never mine.. there was never an us to begin with! so this should all be just a part of the delusion that i have put myself through.. i know this too shall pass.. i will get over you soon.. just like the way i did with everyone else.. but for now, there's no denying that it kills me every single day.. it's like it hurts every time i breathe! yet it's not the deafening silence that's killing me.. it's not even about your indifference.. it's being so damn close to you that makes everything so suffocating.. so agonizing!

and now, i'm wallowing in this excruciating pain in my heart.. i just it would all go away soon..












i've come to the end of the line