all i see is a happy ever after with you

all my life, there were so many things i have given up on.. i have always chosen the easier way out of any difficult situation mainly because i hate losing when i have given it my all.. but with you, it's entirely different.. having our paths cross again makes me feel that i was given another chance to make things right.. and above all, i feel that i was always meant to be with you and that i was probably born to love you.. i just didn't see it in the past because i was blinded by what i thought could give me eternal happiness..

what i'm trying to say here is that i'm going to take that chance and prove to you that we were made for each other.. because honestly, that is how i feel now! i don't get too many second chances, especially when it comes to my relationships.. that is why i'm willing to see this through the end.. i want to find out what's waiting for me at the end of the tunnel — what lies in it for me! and surely, i'm not going to give up without putting up a gahddamn fight because if i quit now, i might make the biggest mistake of my life and lose you forever.. most of all, i can't see things ending any other way!


so, good luck to me, love! ♥

all i want for Christmas is you...

I suspected a flood of tears would come racing down my cheeks and I would end up sobbing like crazy the moment I hear your voice, but, surprisingly, none of that happened – not even one drop. I guess I still have some pride left in me, I don't know. Nevertheless, it was a relief to finally hear you on the other end of the line. And for that, I am grateful. But hearing you say that you're coming back ignited a mass of emotions in my heart. I wasn't sure if I should be happy that you will, one day, come home to me, or if I should be sad that it couldn't be any sooner than I want. Because the truth is, if I could only have it my way, I'd want you right here, right now! Every passing day that you're not here shakes the very core of me at the very least. Yet the worst part of it all is that there is not a thing that I can do to make you want to come running back to me. Because, you are not mine. And, there was never an us.

But I miss you. I miss you so bad every day that it hurts. It is almost a month now since you left and the sickening feeling of not being with you it grows to a more depressing level with every passing day. Could I be more insane than this? I don't know. All I know is I'm so dumb to wish you were here with me and not there with her.

All I ever wanted was for this Christmas to be better than the last and maybe to spend it with you. But by the looks of it, I think I should prepare myself for the worse... :(

your absence fractured my entire being

you might already know this, but i'm gonna say it anyway..

for the longest time, you were the highlight of my week.. you were the most exciting part of it.. you made me look forward to the weekends, and you made my days go by so swiftly.. in fact, you made my days seem a tad brighter.. i was always smiling, more often than i used to.. what i'm trying to say is that you made living this crazy life more worthwhile.. you made the roller coaster ride so much better!

but now that you're not here, the pain is all-encompassing -- it drains all of my energy and my will to live! it is as if there is a massive void in the very core of my being ever since you went away.. and to make matters worse, there's nothing else i can do but cry.. because there are no words to ever describe the pain i am feeling..

yet, strangely, i don't want to get over you.. in fact, all i want to do is to embrace the pain with all my might.. because i'd rather feel this than nothing at all.. because it is as if this pain is the only thing that reminds me of you, of us.. even if there was never an us!

if you're a drug, then i'm a fiend

life can be really unfair at times! and often, it slaps you right in face with the truth that you just can't have some of the things you want no matter how hard you try.. no matter how hard you cry.. and yeah, there's nothing else you can do but cry because of the unbearable pain in your heart.. and though things may not be permanent, the pain is there nonetheless..

i know that this was going to happen, but i didn't think that it was gonna happen this soon.. there wasn't a warning, a sign.. no, none at all! and breaking down the truth to me gently didn't help lessen the pain either.. or spared me from the blow.. i wish there was another way to go through it all.. or at least a way to skip the ugly part and fast-forward to happy days again.. but no, life can be cruel like that too -- every bit of sadness and hurt and desertion must be felt in all shapes and forms..

i guess all i'm saying is that i only miss you when i'm breathing.. ;(

i faithfully wait until the day you wake up to the reality that is me

a heart that's in pain

can forget the love that endured a thousand storms.

a soul that's been shattered

can lose faith in all shapes and forms.

but my heart has become as calloused

as much as it had grown tired, exhausted.

and this soul finds solace

hoping that one day i could be the one you wanted. 

and so, this love endures all battery,

and so, this love denies all misery.

my heart grieves at the thought of you leaving

anything can happen

in a day, a month, a year

tears will fall

each day that you're not here.


anything can happen

in a day, a month, a year

you could forget me

you could leave me forever.


and if anything happens

in a day, a month, a year

please know that i'll forget you never

and that i'll love you forever... ♥

your lips devour every inch of me

looking into your eyes,

i drowned, i faded

breathing your scent,

i was lost, i was emancipated

savouring the taste of your mouth,

i was consumed, i was jaded

relishing in your embrace,

i was chained, i was bounded

burning in your desire,

i was weakened, i was dominated.

absence doesn't really make the heart grow fonder

and then, there was silence

that eerie, excruciating silence

from your side of the planet.


no sign of struggle

no sign of sadness

no, nothing at all.


and then, there was pain

that immensely stabbing pain

from deep within.

this misery sucks out all the energy left in me

i thought i can pull off the same stunt i did with her years ago.. well, you guess that right - i thought wrong!

so now, i'm stuck in this labyrinth and i don't see any other way out but this.. i deserve more than this! i deserve to be loved and to be happy with someone who will love me..

i just hope and pray that i can stay away from you until i am back to my normal self.. haaayy

you have no right to complain, bitch!

who am i to complain about how my miserable my life is when i have everything i need.. i have a family who has my back whatever happens.. i have friends who make life a little crazier.. and i have the best job i could ever ask for! so, what's there to make me all blue? 

who am i to complain about my non-existent love life when people around me are grieving for everything they lost because of unforeseeable events?! am i just too insatiable that i cannot find happiness in the things that i have been blessed with? am i that ungrateful for the life that was lent to me by the Creator? 

so you see, i have no right to feel sucky and all that shit! i just don't have any reason why i should feel that way! 

but i do.. 

and i'm sorry, Father.. i'm sorry for being such an ungrateful prick.. :(

rumor has it, you were the other woman..

if this isn't desperation, then i don't know what is! *sigh*

i'll wake up one day and find you gone

i know i will wake up from this dream sooner than what i would have wanted.. and i know that it is going to hurt more than i could ever imagine or anticipate.. and perhaps i will not have something to shield me from the pain brought about by my sheer stupidity.. but until then, will you please just let me pretend that this is real and that you are mine?

you are my temporary bliss

the trouble with living in a make-believe world is waking up to the sad truth that it was nothing but a DREAM..

for the first time in months, i felt needed and wanted (even if it was all make believe).. i felt i had someone to call my own.. and i experienced bliss again.. but it was all borrowed happiness - the way she held me close and kissed me - it was all temporary! a fantasy that i have been trying to live in for so long now.. and now that we're back to what we were before, the pain is just unbearable.. because i realized that nothing that i do matters at all.. and all i will ever be to her is someone she can play make-believe with.. i know she made it all clear that there will be no strings attached and i actually thought that i'd be able to pull it off.. well, you guess it right - i thought wrong! and now, i'm suffering the consequences.. because even if i can have all her time, i still wouldn't be able to get a hold of her heart.. why? because it belongs to someone else.. and no matter what i do, nothing will ever change her mind! :(

the sad truth about being brokenhearted

the hardest part of being brokenhearted
is actually not feeling the pain,
but having to deal with the sad truth
that you don't want me
every single day of my life.. 

;(

this elusive thing called LOVE

she texted me and told me she missed how we used to talk for hours and how she's able to tell me everything that's bothering her.. a part of me is happy that she still treats me as a friend, yet sad that i'm not there for her.. but there's this selfish part of me that's telling me that she should've thought twice before she decided to hurt me.. but i know deep inside she didn't mean to hurt me.. it's just that she's in love with this other girl and she can't teach her heart to feel otherwise.. the same way that i can't force myself not to feel anything for her.. haaayyy


why does love seem so elusive? why does it always seem to slip out of my grasps? then again, why should it matter too fukcing much to me when i have everything i need?!


;(

i don't want this broken heart anymore

i know i have no right to get hurt like this.. i know i have no right to be mad like this.. but i am human! i can't help but feel this way about how things ended.. i wish i could teach my heart to move on faster so i can be free from these negative emotions.. and so that you wouldn't have any effect on me anymore.. but this heart just doesn't get it! and i'm tired of trying to speed up the recovery process.. because the more i do, the more i end up feeling bitter about everything.. and i don't want to end things like that! i still want us to be friends.. but perhaps, not now.. maybe someday when my heart has healed completely..

for now, i know i haven't completely gotten over the fact that i lost the battle.. i guess i tried to keep it all inside for far too long because every time someone asks about you, tears always seem to well up in my eyes.. and the pain would sting so fukcing badly all over again!

then again, maybe what hurts me most is knowing that you never wanted me despite all my efforts.. :(

so long, old friend

i'm okay.. :) surprisingly, it doesn't hurt as bad as I thought it would.. well, yeah it does a bit, but definitely manageable.. after all, the truth that gets smacked right on your face always hurts, doesn't it?

yet, i'll be fine (not that it matters to you).. at least one of us has had their wish come true.. and though it may not show that I am genuinely happy for you (and you may never see me jumping up and down like a maniac), and though my world may have crumbled at the sight of you and her, truth is, I couldn't be any happier.. I guess I learned one of life's greatest lessons – sometimes, you just have to let somethings go.. well, especialy when it wasn't mine to begin with..

so, yeah.. go on.. be happy then.. you deserve it more than anyone else (more than me even!)..  

what might have been...

i can't say that i could have loved you better.. that i could have given you more.. or that i could have fought for you.. yet, i wish you had given me a chance.. even just for once!

i guess there's no way i would ever know what could have happened now that there's no more hope for a happy ending with you.. </3

dear heart, won't you please stop all this nonsense?

fate really has a funny way of knocking reality into my head! all doubts and delusions have been completely eradicated after what happened.. no more false hopes.. no more wishing.. no more dreaming.. hopefully, this time my heart will finally get the message — that it's time to move on! i have to stop loving her and feeling all sentimental about everything because it's plain pointless.. no matter how many buckets of tears i cry, nothing will ever change her mind and feelings about me! and i have to accept that.. the truth has to be etched into my brain so that i can finally stop thinking about her.. it has to be carved into my heart so that i can finally stop feeling this way about her!

please heart.. please cooperate this time.. i can't afford you broken anymore! :(

the old, torn heart still beats for dear, sweet you

if only time can be a friend even just for once, i'd ask him to take me back to october of last year.. if that could happen, i would gladly undo a lot of things.. for one, i would have chosen to be the person you have always wanted me to be - a friend.. someone you can confide in.. someone who could have helped you through all the times when you needed a friend the most.. someone who would just be there without any hope.. without any agenda.. if that would have been the case, then none of this would have happened now.. but then, i guess i only have my heart to blame.. i always fall too hard so easily! and now, it pains me everytime i see you.. i can't even look at you anymore without feeling all the bitterness and resentment in my heart! had i known things would turn out this way, then i would have chosen a different place.. a different time.. everything could have been so much better between us!

i keep blaming my delusional heart for thinking that you might fall for me too.. and i keep cursing myself for being so bitter about everything.. because it hurts! it really, really, really hurts  seeing you and not being able to talk to you or even just say hi or smile.. it's been quite a while and my fukcing heart just wouldn't stop beating for you! it just wouldn't stop aching for you! but i wish it would.. so that i don't have to crumble everytime i see you.. so my world doesn't have to stop everytime you're near.. so my heart wouldn't crush over and over and over again.. and most of all, so we can start all over again.. so we can be real good friends.. so there will be no more secret hopes.. no more hidden agenda.. just pure platonic relationship..

of cock rings and non-existent sex life

for some good laugh.. :D

this is one of the best birthday gifts i've ever had in my entire existence! hahahaha this is from my crazy friends who thought it would be fun to ridicule my non-existent sex life.. pahkyu! hahaha oh well, i hope i can use this one of these days though.. hahahaha

make me bleed so my heart can stop aching

i miss cutting myself.. i miss seeing blood on my wrists.. i miss how the physical pain takes some of the emotional hurt away.. :(

gender equality in the country

i was scanning through the pictures of the baguio pride march help last june 2011.. what struck me the most was not the photos of gays wearing colourful wigs and dresses, but the image of "Reverend Ceejay Agbayani".. for someone who claims to be a disciple of God (since he calls himself reverend), i expected more modesty.. okay, fine that he's gay and all.. i am all for his support for the LGBT community in the country.. and i really have nothing against gay priests.. but what's so disturbing is seeing him march down the streets of baguio with an orange wig on and a sleeveless shirt.. i mean that is all too much! no wonder a lot of religious and non-religious sectors have been condemning what happened that day! i mean i am all for fighting equal rights for all sexual orientations.. but a public display of obscenity from someone who considers himself a man of the church is an entirely different story!


http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=243072109053286&set=a.242767105750453.82481.100000514965574&type=1&theater

you dug a hole in my heart

it should not hurt this bad..

no, it should not have hurt at all!

you were never mine.. there was never an us to begin with! so this should all be just a part of the delusion that i have put myself through.. i know this too shall pass.. i will get over you soon.. just like the way i did with everyone else.. but for now, there's no denying that it kills me every single day.. it's like it hurts every time i breathe! yet it's not the deafening silence that's killing me.. it's not even about your indifference.. it's being so damn close to you that makes everything so suffocating.. so agonizing!

and now, i'm wallowing in this excruciating pain in my heart.. i just it would all go away soon..

i've come to the end of the line

you don't know and you don't care

realisation no. 1

from: http://weheartit.com/entry/11852211

heartache at its finest

i know it's unfair for me to treat her like a stranger, but i need to do this.. for myself.. for sanity's sake.. i have to distance myself from her so that i can mend my broken heart and to stop being bitter about everything that happened.. but i hope she knows that i don't hate her.. i can never hate her! i have no right to.. although she doesn't feel the same way about me, it's not enough reason for me to be mad at her.. i can't blame her heart for loving someone else, just as much as she can't blame me for feeling hurt and resentful.. besides, there's really no point forcing the issue when i knew right from the start that it was nothing more than a wishful thinking.. on top of that, i knew that her heart belongs to someone else all this time.. but i'm human and it's natural for someone who's had her heart crushed and shattered into a gazillion pieces to feel this way, right? :(

one day i'll find my own brand of happiness too

i've always wondered why it would rain (and even have storms) days or weeks before my birthday.. and my mom would tell me that it's God's way of showing me that His blessings will come pouring down on me.. i've always believed it, though there would be times that i'd doubt it.. nevertheless, i know there's a supreme being that watches over me.. and today, the downpour turned to be out a true blessing after all..

earlier, while i was sitting in front of my computer in the office, i prayed that the Lord will heal my heart and make me realise that it is time i stop all this nonsense.. without knowing, i got the answer to my prayer when i got out of the building and was waiting for my brother.. she walked in front of me with her girlfriend holding on to her and an umbrella.. boy, did i feel the world stopped for a second.. i'm not sure if it was the same girl from the past though.. since i was talking to my officemates, i didn't get the chance to let what happened sink in.. not until i was in the car when i realised that maybe that could be the answer to all my prayers.. it hurts, yeah.. but i know that she's in good hands and that she's truly happy now.. and for some reason, i find comfort at the thought that at least one of us is finally happy.. and though i know a bucket of tears are waiting to fall any minute now, i can say that this time, there'll be no more hoping and wishing and daydreaming of a happy ending with her..

happy birthday to me! :)

thank you, Lord for the best gift ever! :)

hey stranger, can you please smile my way?

isn't it strange that we always have episodes like this.. ignoring each other.. pretending we're not there.. do you have any idea how frustrating that is? i don't know what i did to make you treat me like that.. and i don't know what started it..

well, maybe you just take pleasure in ignoring me! *sigh*

in a constant battle with myself

my purging.. my catharsis..

you drifted into oblivion.. away from my arms forever

i guess i will never know what i did to change your feelings mind about me.. about us! i could have sworn i saw a flicker of hope some months ago.. but now, everything just seems so distant.. so indifferent..

i'm just wondering.. how easy was it for you to dismiss the idea that you so conveniently instilled in my mind? *sigh*

this bruised heart will still beat for L-O-V-E

a friend asked me if i'm still emoting about the same person.. i told her, yes! and she said i should have a heart transplant so that i'd forget about this person.. but if i really think about it, i don't think i would want that to happen to me.. i mean meeting her, knowing her, and falling in love with her has made me who i am today.. i mean, my feelings for her has helped mold me into the person i am today.. and i believe i have become a stronger person, and hopefully, a better one too.. and despite all the hurt and pain i've felt, i'm still thankful for everything that happened.. not only with her, but with everyone who became a part of me..


although it hurts so bad to fall for someone and not be loved back, there are still a lot of lessons to learn. for one, you become more patient.. you learn that with every heartache, you become stronger and wiser (i think).. you learn to make better judgments of the things around you.. although sometimes it makes you bitter, in the end, you see things on a clearer perspective.. and you begin to accept that pain is all a part of life.. so even if you've been bruised, crushed, and let down for so many times, you learn to stand up after every fall.. and despite being badly broken, you pick up the shattered pieces and mend your heart on your own.. most of all, you prepare yourself to fall in love again.. after all, LOVE makes the world go round.. and you tell yourself that you'd still want to fall in love over and over again..


so even if i've been beaten down, cried my heart out, and sworn that i'll never fall in love again, i believe that i'd still do anything to find love.. but if it's not mad, passionate, extraordinary love, i don't want none of it!



♥

bury me with pink flowers on a pink caskett

all my life, i've always thought that my obesity is a helpless case.. i guess i've always believed that i was born this way and that i can't do anything about it.. well, yeah i have a lazy arse too! that and my unhealthy eating habits and lifestyle led to numerous serious health conditions..

when i was younger, i never really admitted to myself that i have an unhealthy lifestyle.. i smoke, i eat too much, i'm a coke addict, and i always sleep late at night.. but i didn't mind that.. before.. not until about a month ago when i collapsed in the middle of the night in my room.. i was rushed to the hospital because i was very weak and nauseous.. when we got there, my blood pressure level went down from 90/70 to 70/50 (i think).. my mom told me i was so pale and all.. and she kept budging me just so i wouldn't fall asleep because if i did i would have gone in a coma.. that was too traumatic for me..

before that incident, we had softdrinks for two straight days at home (that was a weekend).. sunday night, i slept a bit early because i had a fever and had chills.. around 2AM, i woke up sweating because there was no AC.. and i was itching all over my lower extremities.. so i got out of bed and took an anti-allergy pill.. i went back to bed and tried to get some sleep.. still, the itching didn't stop.. the medication didn't work, i suppose.. after a few minutes, i felt choking.. it was like something was lodged in my throat.. and although the AC was already on high, i was sweating and was feeling dizzy.. i tried not to mind it.. but after some time, i felt i had to get up and go to my parents' room.. so i forced myself to get up.. when i sat on the bed, i couldn't see or hear anything.. it was pitch dark and there was an eerie silence.. it was like i lost my sight and my hearing.. panicked, i tried to stand up and that was when i felt like the world spun under my feet.. i fell to the side, crashed on my electric fan and full-length mirror.. i still couldn't see or hear anything, but i felt that everything toppled on top of me.. maybe it was my survival instincts, i don't know, but i forced myself to stand up even if the cable of my fan was tangled to my legs.. i pushed everything away and almost crawled towards my parents' room.. when i opened the door, i almost couldn't say anything because i was too weak.. but i really forced my throat to make a sound and i called out to my mom.. "help, ma!" startled, she hurriedly got out of bed, panicking.. i wanted to die that very instant! i don't know why i didn't let myself die in my room..

so after five days in the hospital, my endocrinologist told me that i have type 2 diabetes.. "great! now i can die really young!" i thought to myself..

today, i don't eat that much anymore.. no more softdrinks.. no more sweets (well, except for the times when i really crave for one.. but i try as hard as i can not to eat more than i should).. i still smoke occasionally.. but i try to eat as little as possible.. i taught myself to like vegetables (okay, only some) and fruits.. i also pushed myself to drink lots of water everyday.. and every single day, i discover more and more complications that i will acquire if i don't take care of my health.. and although i really really don't wanna grow older than 40, i don't wanna die paralyzed or missing one leg either!

i want nothing but mad, passionate LOVE

yup. so true.

crazy for falling for you

dear someone special to my heart,


do you have any idea that you're my most favourite subject? i'm not sure if i can say a lot about you though, but if i could, maybe i'd never stop talking about you.. and please, don't get me started with how often i think about you! that i could't tell you.. because for someone reason, you never leave my thoughts.. even if i'm deep in conversation or preoccupied with work, thoughts of you just rush through my brain.. and all of a sudden, i'm in dreamland.. even when driving down the busy streets of the city, you just don't seem to go away..

could this be what they call L-O-V-E? i don't know.. anymore.. i've stopped believing in love (or so i thought) a long time ago.. or at least at the thought that maybe someday, someone will sweep me off my feet.. so i don't know what i really feel about you! all i know is that when i'm around you, things seem to be better, yet sadder all the same time.. and sometimes when i talk to you in front of the others i can't seem to act normally as i would with everyone else.. and when you're not there, my heart sinks at the bottom most part of my chest.. but when you're finally there, i don't wanna look at you.. i just can't! it seems as if i'd melt at the very glimpse of your eyes.. and when you're near? everything just seems to be so suffocating.. whew! does this sound crazy to you? trust me, you don't have the slightest idea of how crazy this can be for me!

anyway, all i'm saying is that i can't stop thinking about you nor teach myself to not feel this way for you.. i wish i could though, but for some twisted reason, i just can't.. at least not yet.. so yeah, i hope you know just how special you are to me.. i'm not asking for anything though—at least the one thing that i know you can never give me.. not anymore, no!


so take care.. God bless.. *mwah mwah* :)


yours truly,

the helplessly devoted drama queen ♥

on facebook hiatus

it's week 02 of not being on facebook.. i have deactivated my account for self-preservation purposes, yes.. and for some reason, i'm okay with it.. i haven't been sulking as much as i used to.. well, yeah except for the days when problems seem unbearable.. but other than that, i guess i can say that i'm all good.. life may not be the same without the most important social networking site in my entire existence, but i'm fine with it.. and i just hope i can stay out of facebook for a long time.. or until i'm finally finally over her! :D

money, money, money... won't you make me rich?

MONEY... it's not really what makes the world go round, right? but isn't it? why do people starve, become homeless, or die without it? why do families fall apart with its absence? why do we need it so much when it's really not important?


when i got really really sick last june and july, i realized that money is really a big deal! even with my medical insurance (which wasn't really a huge help), we still needed to shell out cash from our pockets to pay for the excess hospital bills.. had it not been for good friends and a few good souls, i wouldn't have survived that dilemma.. we were almost penniless that time because of other financial obligations and having to pay more than 11,000 pesos upfront is something that was really difficult for us.. and so my mom had to run to her employer to ask for help..


a month later, here we are in a totally deep shit! we have debts from numerous people.. we have a child to send to school.. and on top of that, we have loads of bills to pay! i don't understand how life became so hard for us.. and the more i think about it, the more i get frustrated with the situation.. i just wish we'll be able to get through this mess soon with God's grace (i hope)..

love doesn't survive in a hateful heart..

People listen to people they like. How do you get people to like you? LIKE THEM! Love always attracts. #ihatequotes


i was scanning through my twitter account earlier today when i came across this tweet.. it struck me the most out of all the beautiful tweets that  #ihatequotes posted.. perhaps the quote says everything about my situation.. 


going back a few years, i remember i wasn't really afraid to fall in love and to show people that i care.. but after i've been badly hurt by someone i trusted so much, i guess i lost my ability to really trust my heart to anyone.. and perhaps, unknowingly, i've been too scared to show others my true feelings for fear of rejection.. and with her, i guess i tried to show her and backed off because i knew at the back of my mind that she's only going to hurt me in the end.. and i guess all i've shown her (subconsciously) since then was indifference.. maybe instead of doing things that would somehow bring us closer, i was doing the opposite.. and i guess i deserve what's happening to me now.. :(

i can't go on like this anymore..

there really are times when i can't help but feel so helpless and frustrated and disappointed with how things are going between us.. every time i'm reminded that i can't be the one she wants, it makes me wanna rip my heart out of my chest and just erase her name completely from it! a friend told me that i shouldn't make a big deal about the things she does because they're really nothing to her.. but this stupid heart just wouldn't cooperate at all!

and after pining and wallowing for so long, i think i've given up completely.. to help me get through the whole fukcing process, i decided to deactivate my facebook account so i wouldn't be able to stalk her wall and read all her messages (which, by the way, only upsets me more, but i keep doing it anyway!).. i know i've been so stupid thinking, hoping she'd feel the same way about me one day.. that's why i'm determined to put a stop to this madness once and for all.. so help me, God..

my life is a mess

in a few days, i'll be thirty-one—yes, the last number on the gregorian calendar.. whew! there's so much going on in my head right now.. to begin with, i've been having depression episodes for the last couple of weeks, emoing over the same old effing reason.. i'm not sure what could've triggered by anxiety attacks, but i think i've a pretty good idea.. if i remember correctly, i think i go through this phase every year before my birthday.. and maybe, just maybe, ageing is something that i subconsciously dread! i'm not quite sure though, but i think that's one of the reasons.. so yeah, i've been overly depressed the past few days even at the littlest of things.. last night, we went to hear mass at the virgin of rules church in lapu-lapu city.. and while we were on our way there, i couldn't help but remember the times when my ex and i used to roam those streets.. i used to live in lapu-lapu with my then beau.. the place just brings such painful memories of the past.. maybe because i loved her too much and wanted to be with her for the rest of our lives.. and maybe i'm still frustrated with how things ended between us..

anyway, there are a million other things that make me sad these days.. i've been so down that even going out with my friends last saturday night didn't lift my mood.. well, yeah, i had fun for a few hours.. but when we went home, all i could think about was how lonely my life is.. i hate feeling this way because it's just wrong! with everything that i have in my life right now, i should be happy.. but somehow, i can't make myself forget about the things that are currently lacking in my life.. (forgive me, Father..)

to top it all up, even chatting with my friends upset me.. so what i did was i deactivated my facebook account so i could stop announcing my depression to the rest of the world! *sigh* i wish i'll get over this stage soon.. this isn't really doing me any good! not at all!

but i think what i really need is for my heart to go on a hiatus.. i just hope it stops beating for her.. i'm just too tired of forcing myself to other people! and i just want to be happy on my own! i don't need people who doesn't see my worth in my life! i've got friends and i've got my family.. i shouldn't ask for more, right?

please, Lord, let me be okay.. :(

self-pity

have i become too cynical about love? have i become too negative about it that i can't make someone like me at the very least? :(

i've been hurt for so many times that i've forgotten what it was like to really trust myself with anyone.. although i still fall in love, i don't think i truly entrust my heart with anyone.. perhaps i've become too cold and cynical that i emit all these negative energies.. and if that's the case, then i guess that's the reason why i'm loveless right now! pahk!

i know a lot of girls who are like me (on the heavy side), but they're happy with their love lives.. and me, i'm left here in my room sulking and wallowing about me being single for so long! huhuhuhu

i don't think i've been this way all my life! i guess all the bad things that happened to me made me feel like this about myself and about others.. :(

oh god, please save me!

when the most hurtful things you'll ever experience are losing a toy and having a skinned knee..

this evening, i chatted with one of our tenants before who has an 11-year old little girl, Christian Mae, who's also my godchild..  i meant to chat with Christian because i wanted to ask her about her crush.. can you believe that? a child as young as her is posting wall messages on Facebook about her crush not having the same feelings for her? i mean when i was her age, i didn't have the guts to tell a lot of people about my crushes knowing my mom would find about it! but this kid, she's really confident posting messages on her Facebook wall even if her mom has access to her account.. hahahaha on top of that, she keeps a picture of her crush as screensaver on her mobile phone.. gahd, she's still a child—she's still a baby to us! it's really funny and kinda cute that she's having these special feelings for a boy, but it's quite unnerving at the same time..


aahh kids! why do they wanna grow up so fast? don't they know grown ups wish they can go back to being children again? don't they have any idea of how complicated being an adult is? apparently not! whew! i wish they'd pause for a while and stop trying to age so quickly! i mean, they're still babies for pete's sake! (well, at least to us!)


anyhoo, i just wanna post a message to my favourite godchild, Christian Mae.. hope you get to read this someday.. :)


dear baby tan,


pls don't grow up so quickly.. enjoy being a child coz you don't get to enjoy the benefits of youth when you get older and have heart, money, and work problems.. chill, babe! there'd be lots of times to worry about crushes when you grow older.. for now, just be our baby.. trust me, you'll realise i'm right someday.. :D


love you, baby tan! missing you always.. 




♥,


ninang :)

i've got a little secret too.. i've got a mad little crush on you

patiently waiting

i wait by the window

staring at the lovely flower hanging on a shrub.

day in and day out,

i sit by the same corner in my room

waiting for the pretty bud to bloom.

it has been months,

or has it been years?

and i'm still waiting for this little blossom

to open its petals and show me its beauty.

but i've grown tired and weary,

impatient

and exhausted.

mr. genie, pls grant this one wish

if i have a magic lamp right now, i'd rub it a dozen times to force the genie out of it.. and if he'd only grant me just one wish, i'll wish to be

YOUR SOMEONE SPECIAL!

♥

endless

the pain,

never ending.

the agony,

never ceasing.

the emotions,

never failing.

i will always be grateful for the things and people I have in my life

thank God for songs,

they console this old, aching heart.

thank God for the Internet,

it saves me from eternal boredom.

thank God for blogs,

they help keep my sanity intact.

and thank God for genuine friends,

for the care and acceptance they give.

you leave a hole in my heart each time you're far away

if you ever want to ask

why i hardly touch you,

it's because i'd melt away

even at the slightest contact with your skin..

if you ever noticed

that we don't talk in person

as much as we chat,

it's because the sound of your voice

will echo through my heart

and send shivers down my spine..

and if you ever wonder

why i hardly look at you,

it's because if i stare in your eyes long enough

i could get lost in them..


and i'm scared —

scared that i might never

find my way back..

give this heart its eternal repose

let me go home

into your arms tonight

and everything

will be all right..

let me sleep beside you

as you hold me close

and give this heart

its eternal repose..


♥

there's nothing else in the world that she'd want more than this

the bright, blue skies

do not begin to fathom

what i see in your eyes.

the awe-inspiring view outside

do not begin to describe 

how your nearness makes me feel.

the vast, star-filled sky

cannot comprehend how much

i want you in my life.

i want you —

like i never wanted anything else!

hearts run around endlessly in circles

i guess i've come to realised (finally) that i've been too delusional! i keep thinking maybe one day there'll be a chance.. that if i try hard enough to show her how important she is in my life, maybe someday, she'll learn to love me.. after all this time, what i didn't see was that she was too busy chasing everyone else! :(

a million light years away from you

what is the distance

between your heart and mine?

is it farther than the seven seas and the nine mountains?

no, it's just a few meters away.

but why do you feel so distant

when i reach out for you?

you're just there within my reach,

yet your mind and heart

are a million light years away from me.

love me, don't leave me

take my hand, love

i'll show you the world.

kiss me in the lips, love

i'll reach for the stars and give them to you.

hold me in your arms, love

i'll climb mountains just to be with you.

give me your heart, love

and i promise i'll be with you forever and a day.

♥

you take me in your arms and i woke up missing them around me

it's been two consecutive days since i started having dreams about you.. and those dreams are always the opposite of reality.. i remember having the same dreams about someone in my past.. and i guess fate is telling me that eventually we'll end up like how the other person and me did.. although there's nothing wrong with it, i'm just kinda sad that we'll never be more than what we are now.. :(

pain to the nth power

the excruciating pain

wraps its fingers around my heart.

it clenches its fist

suffocating this fragile organ.

why must i die like this?

why must love turn its back on me?

the prolonged agony

is suffocating me, engulfing my whole being.

the sound of the heart breaking

is more than i can take.

why must everything end now?

why must you walk away from all this?

the sunset of my love

like a withered leaf holding on for dear life,

i cling on to a thin thread of sanity.

like the dying embers of my cigarette,

my love takes a slow and painful death.

and like sharp shards of glass against the skin,

my heart feels the overwhelming pain of rejection.



like the cold winter chill that goes deep into the bones,

the mere thought of you leaves a stabbing pain in the heart.

lost in oblivion

the music stopped —

she can't hear anything

just hushed voices from a distance.

her heart beats frantically.

they're whispers,

she tries to make them out,

but nothing makes much sense.

her heart, 

throbbing harder;

her vision,

spinning uncontrollably.

"stop!"

she can hear herself

screaming at the top of her lungs.

she is lost in the crowd.

where she is,

she can't recall.

darkness envelopes the entire room

and then,

the silence becomes deafening.

our favourite kids in the world

the kids we love and miss so much..
(from left-right) Katherine, Kenneth James, and Christian Mae

♥

a hopeful's unfaltering reprieve

she danced mindlessly

to a seemingly familiar rhythm.

yet, she doesn't mind —

not their stares

not even their selfish banters.

she just danced 

swayed her hips to the melody,

soothing her wounded soul.

at times,

her steps seem to go out of tune

but she moves on and doesn't mind at all.

she closed her eyes

to drown away the crowd

and she listened to the heavy beating of her heart.

this time, she felt the pain on her feet

rising to her groins.

still, she didn't mind.

she just closed her eyes even more

and danced like a fool —

danced like she never did before.

♥

breathtaking sunsets outside my office

working from the 9th floor of the 16-storey building of metrobank has a lot of perks, if you ask me.. for one, there's a higher chance of me not being late for work even if there's only a few minutes left before shift starts.. why? because i don't have to go all the way up the topmost floor.. another reason is that when i have to use the stairs when going down, i won't risk my legs from getting injured since it's relatively near the ground..

but the best thing about situated in the middle of a tall building is that you get a good view of the outside.. and one of the greatest sceneries you'll get to enjoy outside our office is the sunset..

futile

slowly,

i picked up the pieces

shattered, crumpled parts

of what was once whole..

unceasingly,

i walked on the ground

barefoot

on the scorching stone pavement..

but

i won't give up

i won't give in.

the malady that was her frail heart

she danced with the moon

sang like a siren

loved like a mistress

and cried a river.

she kissed the sun

worshiped the Greek gods

sold her soul to the Devil

and bled herself dry.

tirelessly in(fatuated) love

the hardest part about falling for someone is that you can't always avoid expecting or wishing for something more than what the other person can actually give.. it's frustrating.. heart-breaking.. overpowering.. nerve-wracking.. and tediously unsettling! and although there's this part of you that's screaming at 10 decibels for you to wake up from the deep and long slumber, you foolishly cling on to the tiniest speck of light that there can be something.. anything..

some will say it's very pathetic, while others may think that you're going out of your mind (and you believe so too)! yet, the more you try to get over it, the more you fall into the deepest, darkest pits of mad emotions! will it ever end, you might ask? well, yeah, it will.. in due time! everything will come to a halt without you seeing it.. and you'll look back at everything and say, "yeah i've been stupid"! but will you have regrets? no, you'll most likely think otherwise because you have loved with all your heart.. you gave it your all — gave your bestest! and though it may never turn out to be the fairytale you'd hope it would be, you know deep inside you'll look back at this point in your life with a smile on your face, butterflies in your stomach, and a few skips of your hear beat..

because somewhere, somehow another being shared a part of his/her heart, mind, and soul with you.. and that's more than enough for you to go on living!

♥

heart over mind

the mind

can deceive you,

make you believe

in things unreal..

but

the heart —

it never lies,

never complains,

never gets tired..

the heart,

it continues to beat

no matter how frail

it may seem.

i left my heart at I ♥ STEAK!

a nice place to wine and dine with family or friends in the uptown area of cebu, is I ♥ steak.. they have a cosy ambiance with contemporary furnishings that will definitely make you feel at home as soon as you step into the restaurant.. although their name has "steak" on it, they serve a wide variety of food, which are absolutely fantastic.. what's more, everything is at relatively cheap prices..

today, my closest friends, my brother, and i went to I ♥ STEAK.. i told them to try the cheese fondue coz it's absolutely delish! :)

the restaurant's warm and inviting interiors

tangigue steak with lemonade

baked scallops

calamares

the ever famous cheese fondue

beef steak pinoy style

the heavenly cheese fondue

and their gastronomic array is truly heavenly!

check out i ♥ steak at the back of mango square mall, mango avenue, cebu city.. it is located beside the casablanca hotel, right across cabanas ktv.. 

euphoric ecstasy

sweet sugar in my veins

pulse rising..

i taste your lips

sweet,

sour

sending me into ecstasy..

the full moon

a living witness

to the fire

that burns within..

held our breaths,

the euphoria —

overwhelming,

unnerving,

emulsifying..

you take me

into your arms

i closed my eyes

and i

died.

your smile

i see you

through the corner of my eye

heart beats faster

my mind

it goes in a limbo

your mere presence

painfully suffocating

shivers in my spine

breathing hard

trying to gain composure

you lost me

with your smile

♥

another sad tale about unrequited love

may stepped into her office on a monday evening feeling all reminiscent of the long weekend.. yet, somehow she finds relief in the thought that she's back to work.. she opens the door and there's neri sitting in her own little corner of the room.. may's heart starts to throb as she throws a glance at neri's way secretly and heaves a sigh.. may gets on with her chores the way she always does during a typical workday.. everything goes by like a breeze, and without her realising it, it's time to go home.. so she packs all her things back to her bag, shuts her computer down, and goes out of the building..

at a glance, everything looks fine and normal.. you wouldn't, couldn't suspect anything.. but in another part of the room, a heart is aching so badly with so much longing.. and may stays helpless, hopeless over the situation.. there's nothing she can do to change fate.. she's tried everything, but nothing ever worked.. she clung to a flicker of hope that someday, somehow that person will see her the same she does.. but as the days go by, she feels farther and farther away from this other individual.. and little by little, may is losing all sense of hope..

may and neri both work in a call centre company based in makati.. neri started working for the firm a little over a year ago when may was still an assistant supervisor.. may never noticed neri even if she knew she was into girls too.. days, months went by quite quickly and they merely spoke to each other.. maybe it was because may knew that neri was living together with a guy outside work.. one day, they were alone in the elevator and neri confided in may about a bickering with another officemate.. that was the first time they actually talked for a good amount of time.. they chatted outside the building and neri even stayed long enough for may's cousin to fetch her.. may never forgot about this incident..

a few weeks after that, they got the chance to sit across each other, which paved the way for them to get to know each other better.. may and neri shared stories about their lives, relationships, and work, making them closer.. little did they know that things would turn out the way they did.. and before may knew it, she was falling helplessly for neri..

may tried everything she could to shrug off the emotions that she was feeling.. but the closer they get, the more she knows about neri, and most of all, the more she falls deeper.. one day, in one of their conversations over ym, neri tricked may into telling her who she was pining for.. and after much pondering, may gave in and blurted out the word "you".. neri apologised for incessantly pestering her about it.. but it was too late.. it's all out in the open now and there's no more turning back..

at first, may thought that there might be a chance.. she saw a flicker of hope with how neri treats her.. but she knew she was still heartbroken after her breakup with her boyfriend.. days, weeks, months passed so quickly and nothing's changed.. they're still workmates -- nothing more, nothing less!

although neri treats may the same way, she knows that there's nothing more to it than what they currently have.. she knows that no matter how hard she tries, she just can't change neri's mind..

now, may is left asking herself what could she have done to turn neri off.. but somehow, she knew neri is in love with someone else.. and it pains her everyday to know that she can't be that girl!

and the hardest part of it all? it's knowing that she can never be the one who matters most to her!

:(

i want my own piece of heaven

bantayan island, considered the summer capital of the queen city of the south, cebu, has the most beautiful beaches in the philippines with clear azure waters and long stretches of sugary white sand, making this small island paradise the perfect place to go to when you want some R & R! 

last year, i got the pleasure of visiting this small piece of heaven twice.. first was in february and the last was in october.. 

kota's beach front

lounging under the heat of the sun -- the best way to beat the summer heat!

our cottage at kota beach, which costs only 1,700 PHP/night

our the hotel package we booked was inclusive of breakfast at their restaurant.. we couldn't be anymore happier! :D

you can rent motorcycles for 300 PHP for 8 hours and you only need to fill it with 50 PHP worth of gasoline.. it's the best way to get around the island! 

our first stop was at the madridejos kota park.. it's a public beach resort with a restaurant and this old fortress of some sort

the scenic road to madridejos, one of the four municipalities in the island

one of the churches we visited there

dubbed as the oldest church in the country.. the massive old door behind on the background suffered the wrath of the battle in the ancient times.. to keep their history alive, they 

this wooden bridge leads to a mangrove plantation in bantayan island.. one of the places we visited there

the wooden bridge extends to the inner parts of the plantation

at the mangrove plantation's tree house


posting this blog about bantayan island brings back wonderful memories i've had there with my friends and officemates.. i've fallen in love with the island and their laid back way of living.. and i swear i left my heart there! and someday, when i'll be richer, i'm buying myself a piece of that heavenly isle and call it my home.. ♥