my life is a mess

in a few days, i'll be thirty-one—yes, the last number on the gregorian calendar.. whew! there's so much going on in my head right now.. to begin with, i've been having depression episodes for the last couple of weeks, emoing over the same old effing reason.. i'm not sure what could've triggered by anxiety attacks, but i think i've a pretty good idea.. if i remember correctly, i think i go through this phase every year before my birthday.. and maybe, just maybe, ageing is something that i subconsciously dread! i'm not quite sure though, but i think that's one of the reasons.. so yeah, i've been overly depressed the past few days even at the littlest of things.. last night, we went to hear mass at the virgin of rules church in lapu-lapu city.. and while we were on our way there, i couldn't help but remember the times when my ex and i used to roam those streets.. i used to live in lapu-lapu with my then beau.. the place just brings such painful memories of the past.. maybe because i loved her too much and wanted to be with her for the rest of our lives.. and maybe i'm still frustrated with how things ended between us..

anyway, there are a million other things that make me sad these days.. i've been so down that even going out with my friends last saturday night didn't lift my mood.. well, yeah, i had fun for a few hours.. but when we went home, all i could think about was how lonely my life is.. i hate feeling this way because it's just wrong! with everything that i have in my life right now, i should be happy.. but somehow, i can't make myself forget about the things that are currently lacking in my life.. (forgive me, Father..)

to top it all up, even chatting with my friends upset me.. so what i did was i deactivated my facebook account so i could stop announcing my depression to the rest of the world! *sigh* i wish i'll get over this stage soon.. this isn't really doing me any good! not at all!

but i think what i really need is for my heart to go on a hiatus.. i just hope it stops beating for her.. i'm just too tired of forcing myself to other people! and i just want to be happy on my own! i don't need people who doesn't see my worth in my life! i've got friends and i've got my family.. i shouldn't ask for more, right?

please, Lord, let me be okay.. :(