you don't know and you don't care

realisation no. 1

from: http://weheartit.com/entry/11852211

heartache at its finest

i know it's unfair for me to treat her like a stranger, but i need to do this.. for myself.. for sanity's sake.. i have to distance myself from her so that i can mend my broken heart and to stop being bitter about everything that happened.. but i hope she knows that i don't hate her.. i can never hate her! i have no right to.. although she doesn't feel the same way about me, it's not enough reason for me to be mad at her.. i can't blame her heart for loving someone else, just as much as she can't blame me for feeling hurt and resentful.. besides, there's really no point forcing the issue when i knew right from the start that it was nothing more than a wishful thinking.. on top of that, i knew that her heart belongs to someone else all this time.. but i'm human and it's natural for someone who's had her heart crushed and shattered into a gazillion pieces to feel this way, right? :(

one day i'll find my own brand of happiness too

i've always wondered why it would rain (and even have storms) days or weeks before my birthday.. and my mom would tell me that it's God's way of showing me that His blessings will come pouring down on me.. i've always believed it, though there would be times that i'd doubt it.. nevertheless, i know there's a supreme being that watches over me.. and today, the downpour turned to be out a true blessing after all..

earlier, while i was sitting in front of my computer in the office, i prayed that the Lord will heal my heart and make me realise that it is time i stop all this nonsense.. without knowing, i got the answer to my prayer when i got out of the building and was waiting for my brother.. she walked in front of me with her girlfriend holding on to her and an umbrella.. boy, did i feel the world stopped for a second.. i'm not sure if it was the same girl from the past though.. since i was talking to my officemates, i didn't get the chance to let what happened sink in.. not until i was in the car when i realised that maybe that could be the answer to all my prayers.. it hurts, yeah.. but i know that she's in good hands and that she's truly happy now.. and for some reason, i find comfort at the thought that at least one of us is finally happy.. and though i know a bucket of tears are waiting to fall any minute now, i can say that this time, there'll be no more hoping and wishing and daydreaming of a happy ending with her..

happy birthday to me! :)

thank you, Lord for the best gift ever! :)

hey stranger, can you please smile my way?

isn't it strange that we always have episodes like this.. ignoring each other.. pretending we're not there.. do you have any idea how frustrating that is? i don't know what i did to make you treat me like that.. and i don't know what started it..

well, maybe you just take pleasure in ignoring me! *sigh*

in a constant battle with myself

my purging.. my catharsis..

you drifted into oblivion.. away from my arms forever

i guess i will never know what i did to change your feelings mind about me.. about us! i could have sworn i saw a flicker of hope some months ago.. but now, everything just seems so distant.. so indifferent..

i'm just wondering.. how easy was it for you to dismiss the idea that you so conveniently instilled in my mind? *sigh*

this bruised heart will still beat for L-O-V-E

a friend asked me if i'm still emoting about the same person.. i told her, yes! and she said i should have a heart transplant so that i'd forget about this person.. but if i really think about it, i don't think i would want that to happen to me.. i mean meeting her, knowing her, and falling in love with her has made me who i am today.. i mean, my feelings for her has helped mold me into the person i am today.. and i believe i have become a stronger person, and hopefully, a better one too.. and despite all the hurt and pain i've felt, i'm still thankful for everything that happened.. not only with her, but with everyone who became a part of me..


although it hurts so bad to fall for someone and not be loved back, there are still a lot of lessons to learn. for one, you become more patient.. you learn that with every heartache, you become stronger and wiser (i think).. you learn to make better judgments of the things around you.. although sometimes it makes you bitter, in the end, you see things on a clearer perspective.. and you begin to accept that pain is all a part of life.. so even if you've been bruised, crushed, and let down for so many times, you learn to stand up after every fall.. and despite being badly broken, you pick up the shattered pieces and mend your heart on your own.. most of all, you prepare yourself to fall in love again.. after all, LOVE makes the world go round.. and you tell yourself that you'd still want to fall in love over and over again..


so even if i've been beaten down, cried my heart out, and sworn that i'll never fall in love again, i believe that i'd still do anything to find love.. but if it's not mad, passionate, extraordinary love, i don't want none of it!



♥

bury me with pink flowers on a pink caskett

all my life, i've always thought that my obesity is a helpless case.. i guess i've always believed that i was born this way and that i can't do anything about it.. well, yeah i have a lazy arse too! that and my unhealthy eating habits and lifestyle led to numerous serious health conditions..

when i was younger, i never really admitted to myself that i have an unhealthy lifestyle.. i smoke, i eat too much, i'm a coke addict, and i always sleep late at night.. but i didn't mind that.. before.. not until about a month ago when i collapsed in the middle of the night in my room.. i was rushed to the hospital because i was very weak and nauseous.. when we got there, my blood pressure level went down from 90/70 to 70/50 (i think).. my mom told me i was so pale and all.. and she kept budging me just so i wouldn't fall asleep because if i did i would have gone in a coma.. that was too traumatic for me..

before that incident, we had softdrinks for two straight days at home (that was a weekend).. sunday night, i slept a bit early because i had a fever and had chills.. around 2AM, i woke up sweating because there was no AC.. and i was itching all over my lower extremities.. so i got out of bed and took an anti-allergy pill.. i went back to bed and tried to get some sleep.. still, the itching didn't stop.. the medication didn't work, i suppose.. after a few minutes, i felt choking.. it was like something was lodged in my throat.. and although the AC was already on high, i was sweating and was feeling dizzy.. i tried not to mind it.. but after some time, i felt i had to get up and go to my parents' room.. so i forced myself to get up.. when i sat on the bed, i couldn't see or hear anything.. it was pitch dark and there was an eerie silence.. it was like i lost my sight and my hearing.. panicked, i tried to stand up and that was when i felt like the world spun under my feet.. i fell to the side, crashed on my electric fan and full-length mirror.. i still couldn't see or hear anything, but i felt that everything toppled on top of me.. maybe it was my survival instincts, i don't know, but i forced myself to stand up even if the cable of my fan was tangled to my legs.. i pushed everything away and almost crawled towards my parents' room.. when i opened the door, i almost couldn't say anything because i was too weak.. but i really forced my throat to make a sound and i called out to my mom.. "help, ma!" startled, she hurriedly got out of bed, panicking.. i wanted to die that very instant! i don't know why i didn't let myself die in my room..

so after five days in the hospital, my endocrinologist told me that i have type 2 diabetes.. "great! now i can die really young!" i thought to myself..

today, i don't eat that much anymore.. no more softdrinks.. no more sweets (well, except for the times when i really crave for one.. but i try as hard as i can not to eat more than i should).. i still smoke occasionally.. but i try to eat as little as possible.. i taught myself to like vegetables (okay, only some) and fruits.. i also pushed myself to drink lots of water everyday.. and every single day, i discover more and more complications that i will acquire if i don't take care of my health.. and although i really really don't wanna grow older than 40, i don't wanna die paralyzed or missing one leg either!

i want nothing but mad, passionate LOVE

yup. so true.

crazy for falling for you

dear someone special to my heart,


do you have any idea that you're my most favourite subject? i'm not sure if i can say a lot about you though, but if i could, maybe i'd never stop talking about you.. and please, don't get me started with how often i think about you! that i could't tell you.. because for someone reason, you never leave my thoughts.. even if i'm deep in conversation or preoccupied with work, thoughts of you just rush through my brain.. and all of a sudden, i'm in dreamland.. even when driving down the busy streets of the city, you just don't seem to go away..

could this be what they call L-O-V-E? i don't know.. anymore.. i've stopped believing in love (or so i thought) a long time ago.. or at least at the thought that maybe someday, someone will sweep me off my feet.. so i don't know what i really feel about you! all i know is that when i'm around you, things seem to be better, yet sadder all the same time.. and sometimes when i talk to you in front of the others i can't seem to act normally as i would with everyone else.. and when you're not there, my heart sinks at the bottom most part of my chest.. but when you're finally there, i don't wanna look at you.. i just can't! it seems as if i'd melt at the very glimpse of your eyes.. and when you're near? everything just seems to be so suffocating.. whew! does this sound crazy to you? trust me, you don't have the slightest idea of how crazy this can be for me!

anyway, all i'm saying is that i can't stop thinking about you nor teach myself to not feel this way for you.. i wish i could though, but for some twisted reason, i just can't.. at least not yet.. so yeah, i hope you know just how special you are to me.. i'm not asking for anything though—at least the one thing that i know you can never give me.. not anymore, no!


so take care.. God bless.. *mwah mwah* :)


yours truly,

the helplessly devoted drama queen ♥

on facebook hiatus

it's week 02 of not being on facebook.. i have deactivated my account for self-preservation purposes, yes.. and for some reason, i'm okay with it.. i haven't been sulking as much as i used to.. well, yeah except for the days when problems seem unbearable.. but other than that, i guess i can say that i'm all good.. life may not be the same without the most important social networking site in my entire existence, but i'm fine with it.. and i just hope i can stay out of facebook for a long time.. or until i'm finally finally over her! :D

money, money, money... won't you make me rich?

MONEY... it's not really what makes the world go round, right? but isn't it? why do people starve, become homeless, or die without it? why do families fall apart with its absence? why do we need it so much when it's really not important?


when i got really really sick last june and july, i realized that money is really a big deal! even with my medical insurance (which wasn't really a huge help), we still needed to shell out cash from our pockets to pay for the excess hospital bills.. had it not been for good friends and a few good souls, i wouldn't have survived that dilemma.. we were almost penniless that time because of other financial obligations and having to pay more than 11,000 pesos upfront is something that was really difficult for us.. and so my mom had to run to her employer to ask for help..


a month later, here we are in a totally deep shit! we have debts from numerous people.. we have a child to send to school.. and on top of that, we have loads of bills to pay! i don't understand how life became so hard for us.. and the more i think about it, the more i get frustrated with the situation.. i just wish we'll be able to get through this mess soon with God's grace (i hope)..

love doesn't survive in a hateful heart..

People listen to people they like. How do you get people to like you? LIKE THEM! Love always attracts. #ihatequotes


i was scanning through my twitter account earlier today when i came across this tweet.. it struck me the most out of all the beautiful tweets that  #ihatequotes posted.. perhaps the quote says everything about my situation.. 


going back a few years, i remember i wasn't really afraid to fall in love and to show people that i care.. but after i've been badly hurt by someone i trusted so much, i guess i lost my ability to really trust my heart to anyone.. and perhaps, unknowingly, i've been too scared to show others my true feelings for fear of rejection.. and with her, i guess i tried to show her and backed off because i knew at the back of my mind that she's only going to hurt me in the end.. and i guess all i've shown her (subconsciously) since then was indifference.. maybe instead of doing things that would somehow bring us closer, i was doing the opposite.. and i guess i deserve what's happening to me now.. :(

i can't go on like this anymore..

there really are times when i can't help but feel so helpless and frustrated and disappointed with how things are going between us.. every time i'm reminded that i can't be the one she wants, it makes me wanna rip my heart out of my chest and just erase her name completely from it! a friend told me that i shouldn't make a big deal about the things she does because they're really nothing to her.. but this stupid heart just wouldn't cooperate at all!

and after pining and wallowing for so long, i think i've given up completely.. to help me get through the whole fukcing process, i decided to deactivate my facebook account so i wouldn't be able to stalk her wall and read all her messages (which, by the way, only upsets me more, but i keep doing it anyway!).. i know i've been so stupid thinking, hoping she'd feel the same way about me one day.. that's why i'm determined to put a stop to this madness once and for all.. so help me, God..

my life is a mess

in a few days, i'll be thirty-one—yes, the last number on the gregorian calendar.. whew! there's so much going on in my head right now.. to begin with, i've been having depression episodes for the last couple of weeks, emoing over the same old effing reason.. i'm not sure what could've triggered by anxiety attacks, but i think i've a pretty good idea.. if i remember correctly, i think i go through this phase every year before my birthday.. and maybe, just maybe, ageing is something that i subconsciously dread! i'm not quite sure though, but i think that's one of the reasons.. so yeah, i've been overly depressed the past few days even at the littlest of things.. last night, we went to hear mass at the virgin of rules church in lapu-lapu city.. and while we were on our way there, i couldn't help but remember the times when my ex and i used to roam those streets.. i used to live in lapu-lapu with my then beau.. the place just brings such painful memories of the past.. maybe because i loved her too much and wanted to be with her for the rest of our lives.. and maybe i'm still frustrated with how things ended between us..

anyway, there are a million other things that make me sad these days.. i've been so down that even going out with my friends last saturday night didn't lift my mood.. well, yeah, i had fun for a few hours.. but when we went home, all i could think about was how lonely my life is.. i hate feeling this way because it's just wrong! with everything that i have in my life right now, i should be happy.. but somehow, i can't make myself forget about the things that are currently lacking in my life.. (forgive me, Father..)

to top it all up, even chatting with my friends upset me.. so what i did was i deactivated my facebook account so i could stop announcing my depression to the rest of the world! *sigh* i wish i'll get over this stage soon.. this isn't really doing me any good! not at all!

but i think what i really need is for my heart to go on a hiatus.. i just hope it stops beating for her.. i'm just too tired of forcing myself to other people! and i just want to be happy on my own! i don't need people who doesn't see my worth in my life! i've got friends and i've got my family.. i shouldn't ask for more, right?

please, Lord, let me be okay.. :(

self-pity

have i become too cynical about love? have i become too negative about it that i can't make someone like me at the very least? :(

i've been hurt for so many times that i've forgotten what it was like to really trust myself with anyone.. although i still fall in love, i don't think i truly entrust my heart with anyone.. perhaps i've become too cold and cynical that i emit all these negative energies.. and if that's the case, then i guess that's the reason why i'm loveless right now! pahk!

i know a lot of girls who are like me (on the heavy side), but they're happy with their love lives.. and me, i'm left here in my room sulking and wallowing about me being single for so long! huhuhuhu

i don't think i've been this way all my life! i guess all the bad things that happened to me made me feel like this about myself and about others.. :(

oh god, please save me!

when the most hurtful things you'll ever experience are losing a toy and having a skinned knee..

this evening, i chatted with one of our tenants before who has an 11-year old little girl, Christian Mae, who's also my godchild..  i meant to chat with Christian because i wanted to ask her about her crush.. can you believe that? a child as young as her is posting wall messages on Facebook about her crush not having the same feelings for her? i mean when i was her age, i didn't have the guts to tell a lot of people about my crushes knowing my mom would find about it! but this kid, she's really confident posting messages on her Facebook wall even if her mom has access to her account.. hahahaha on top of that, she keeps a picture of her crush as screensaver on her mobile phone.. gahd, she's still a child—she's still a baby to us! it's really funny and kinda cute that she's having these special feelings for a boy, but it's quite unnerving at the same time..


aahh kids! why do they wanna grow up so fast? don't they know grown ups wish they can go back to being children again? don't they have any idea of how complicated being an adult is? apparently not! whew! i wish they'd pause for a while and stop trying to age so quickly! i mean, they're still babies for pete's sake! (well, at least to us!)


anyhoo, i just wanna post a message to my favourite godchild, Christian Mae.. hope you get to read this someday.. :)


dear baby tan,


pls don't grow up so quickly.. enjoy being a child coz you don't get to enjoy the benefits of youth when you get older and have heart, money, and work problems.. chill, babe! there'd be lots of times to worry about crushes when you grow older.. for now, just be our baby.. trust me, you'll realise i'm right someday.. :D


love you, baby tan! missing you always.. 




♥,


ninang :)

i've got a little secret too.. i've got a mad little crush on you